Misandry: Is it real?
Synthesizing a lot of the issues, articles, and conversations I have discussed, read, and had in the last two weeks, I notice that a reoccurring topic has been gender as it relates to how women treat men. This has led me to think about misandry, the hatred or dislike of men or boys, and what people's thoughts on it are, if/when it has tangible effects on society, why do we talk or shy away from it, who does it affect and so on. How do men feel about it?
To preface, I use the word feminist or feminism very loosely here to suggest someone who cares about gender relations and its implications on the world and how we live in it. Even though some of my friends have called me a feminist, I am very new to this world and would not necessarily consider myself a feminist, at least not yet. I am not sure if I believe in all of its principles.
I think that gender relations in general is very interesting to me however because I want to be adamant about how I treat people in my life; politics, beliefs, and philosophies notwithstanding. In a lot of my posts, I am going to use gender binaries only because I am not well versed in speaking in a more inclusive tone of all genders (it is not that I won't, I don't know how/when to so I can't). I am trying to practice the belief that your beliefs do not make you a good person, your behavior does, so in this respect, how do I treat the men I interact with, including those I am in intimate relationships with?
A lot of feminists hold the view that feminism proposes a world view and perspective which is not only better for women, but also better for men because it holds men to a higher esteem which the normative, patriarchal society does not. For instance, a popular meme I have seen on facebook and tumblr is that feminism loves men because it does not hold men to the barbaric view that they can not control themselves. While this is refreshing, I think that the dialogue on misogyny, sexism and the patriarchy just tells men to sit down and listen (which I still ascribe to) but I would appreciate it if a male could give me his perspective on misandry (not on misogyny). As a lot of women, I have some systematic behaviors, practices, and beliefs which might lend to misandry in a very very (very) limited way. Let me highlight three reflections which brought me to this realization:
The first issue which made me think about the subject was my post, Gender Politics: my take on the word B*tch and Lupe's B*tch bad. I wrote about what a male feminist looks like to me - basically, someone who just lets a woman be who/what she is, and have since gone back and looked at that definition and the post as a whole. Part of me feels like the definition might be bashing men (just a little) and I am still trying to resolve how I feel about my own definition. The other side of the argument, however, looks even more interesting and refreshing to ponder: for a male, what does a feminist look and act like in her relation to men? In heterosexual relationships, how does the (Black) feminist relate to her partner? How is she an ally to a man? How is she as a friend? Seriously, what do men want from a woman to make their platonic and intimate relationships a truly loving and equal playing field?
The second was this article, Mean time in between time guy, I read on the online magazine, Clutch, which in my opinion, holds itself as the modern Black feminist portal. Excuse my french but this article is f-ed up. I was stunned by the tone and nature of this article. I would understand why a woman might hold this perspective but I do not understand how a female feminist can promote this behavior of getting yours in spite of what the man feels. Is this not how men treat women and the reason for the hurt and complaining? I get that the caveat is that the girl tells the guy that she is just taking him for a joy ride but seriously, how often are we this honest or straight forward?
The third is today's HuffPostLive segment hosted by Marc Lamont on Chris Brown and Rihanna. One of the panelist, Melyssa Ford, spoke about the ways in which women provoke and are even violent towards men because of (or what should be) the societal norm that men can not hit women. This was the same conversation I had with two of my friends last week and had with others at numerous times. I understand that the woman who engages in this behavior or holds this perspective may not usually consider herself to be a feminist but how do feminists navigate this issue? I am against violence of all kinds and a woman can never do anything deserving of abuse or rape but do people expect men to be the "better" person and walk away? What do men think?
Honestly, I probably would not have cared much about misandry if I did not see that it exists in some capacity in my own life. I used to have this motto at the beginning of the year called TNN basically boiling down to trust no man. I understand that a lot of the reason why women treat men badly, hate them, or stereotype them crudely is not because they are men but because of the roles that men have assumed in our society. Thus, misandry is not (or may not) be the same as misogyny because misogyny is men not seeing women as people or their equal counterparts. But I know that a lot of men have been hurt by women, platonic or otherwise. How do people feel? How do my men folks feel? To invoke one of my favorite writers, Junot Diaz, if the litmus test of the humanity of a man is how he treats the women in his life, what is mine?
To preface, I use the word feminist or feminism very loosely here to suggest someone who cares about gender relations and its implications on the world and how we live in it. Even though some of my friends have called me a feminist, I am very new to this world and would not necessarily consider myself a feminist, at least not yet. I am not sure if I believe in all of its principles.
I think that gender relations in general is very interesting to me however because I want to be adamant about how I treat people in my life; politics, beliefs, and philosophies notwithstanding. In a lot of my posts, I am going to use gender binaries only because I am not well versed in speaking in a more inclusive tone of all genders (it is not that I won't, I don't know how/when to so I can't). I am trying to practice the belief that your beliefs do not make you a good person, your behavior does, so in this respect, how do I treat the men I interact with, including those I am in intimate relationships with?
A lot of feminists hold the view that feminism proposes a world view and perspective which is not only better for women, but also better for men because it holds men to a higher esteem which the normative, patriarchal society does not. For instance, a popular meme I have seen on facebook and tumblr is that feminism loves men because it does not hold men to the barbaric view that they can not control themselves. While this is refreshing, I think that the dialogue on misogyny, sexism and the patriarchy just tells men to sit down and listen (which I still ascribe to) but I would appreciate it if a male could give me his perspective on misandry (not on misogyny). As a lot of women, I have some systematic behaviors, practices, and beliefs which might lend to misandry in a very very (very) limited way. Let me highlight three reflections which brought me to this realization:
The first issue which made me think about the subject was my post, Gender Politics: my take on the word B*tch and Lupe's B*tch bad. I wrote about what a male feminist looks like to me - basically, someone who just lets a woman be who/what she is, and have since gone back and looked at that definition and the post as a whole. Part of me feels like the definition might be bashing men (just a little) and I am still trying to resolve how I feel about my own definition. The other side of the argument, however, looks even more interesting and refreshing to ponder: for a male, what does a feminist look and act like in her relation to men? In heterosexual relationships, how does the (Black) feminist relate to her partner? How is she an ally to a man? How is she as a friend? Seriously, what do men want from a woman to make their platonic and intimate relationships a truly loving and equal playing field?
The second was this article, Mean time in between time guy, I read on the online magazine, Clutch, which in my opinion, holds itself as the modern Black feminist portal. Excuse my french but this article is f-ed up. I was stunned by the tone and nature of this article. I would understand why a woman might hold this perspective but I do not understand how a female feminist can promote this behavior of getting yours in spite of what the man feels. Is this not how men treat women and the reason for the hurt and complaining? I get that the caveat is that the girl tells the guy that she is just taking him for a joy ride but seriously, how often are we this honest or straight forward?
The third is today's HuffPostLive segment hosted by Marc Lamont on Chris Brown and Rihanna. One of the panelist, Melyssa Ford, spoke about the ways in which women provoke and are even violent towards men because of (or what should be) the societal norm that men can not hit women. This was the same conversation I had with two of my friends last week and had with others at numerous times. I understand that the woman who engages in this behavior or holds this perspective may not usually consider herself to be a feminist but how do feminists navigate this issue? I am against violence of all kinds and a woman can never do anything deserving of abuse or rape but do people expect men to be the "better" person and walk away? What do men think?
Honestly, I probably would not have cared much about misandry if I did not see that it exists in some capacity in my own life. I used to have this motto at the beginning of the year called TNN basically boiling down to trust no man. I understand that a lot of the reason why women treat men badly, hate them, or stereotype them crudely is not because they are men but because of the roles that men have assumed in our society. Thus, misandry is not (or may not) be the same as misogyny because misogyny is men not seeing women as people or their equal counterparts. But I know that a lot of men have been hurt by women, platonic or otherwise. How do people feel? How do my men folks feel? To invoke one of my favorite writers, Junot Diaz, if the litmus test of the humanity of a man is how he treats the women in his life, what is mine?
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