Refuge
After Hurricane Sandy hit the Tri-State area, I wrote a post I never shared about some of the things I learned in and after the disaster. It was in part a post about how eerily reminiscent the events in New York City during that time were to the story Octavia Butler wrote in Parable of the Sower. It was also about dealing with disasters and mass tragedies. It seems becoming to return to and reflect on that post in light of the shooting that took place in Newtown, Connecticut today. My condolences are with all of those who have been personally affected by this tragedy and may those who died rest in peace.
It is hard to write this post because I feel so many things and have so many thoughts at this moment. I just hope that this makes sense.
There is a lot of talk today about what ought to be important in the national political agenda. From gun control and metal illness to journalism or media discretion and discrimination, a host of concerns already in play in the public discourse resurfaced with pressing importance and vengeance. However, although valuable, I am not concerned about that dialogue. Today, I am just trying to keep my mind high and my heart leveled. Although those of us on the outside will never experience the pain and trauma experienced by those personally and physically affected by this tragedy and countless others in our nation and the world in general, we are all inevitably scarred and affected in big and small ways by them. How do these events affect our psyche and how do we heal?
As someone who feels and thinks deeply, it is easy to get lost in pain. I was once told that I have the face of a person who worries and that is true. I honestly feel most things to my core, irrespective of how distant they are. Since I came to this realization, I have been taking some efforts to develop even stronger coping mechanisms.
What I am attempting to do in this post is chronicle how I deal with tragedy, for my own sake. I need something concrete to refer to in times like these. I am also sharing this for maybe someone like myself who is in need of this reminder. Given the kind of work that I want to do and the types of things I think and write about, I believe that it is important to have honest, deliberate conversations about how to live in this world and keep oneself personally sane and emotionally healthy. This list, not in any particular order, is a start:
1. Keep things in perspective. It is always the best and worst of times.
2. Be with people you love (or at least check-in with them).
3. If you can not allow yourself to be happy, allow others to be happy or feel whatever they want feel.
Let me explain: I believe that context affects how people experience a common tragedy. It is hard to measure pain and one can not compare loss because it is experienced in the context of who a person is. Thus, people react to common tragedies in not so common ways and that is okay.
I remember this particular incident like it occurred yesterday: I was in middle school and a couple of my classmates got jumped on the school block. They came into the school, in a church, bleeding. It was clearly a disturbing incident. A couple of us were crying and distraught. I was sad and confused. I remember siting in the lunch/gym basement talking to my close friends about the incident. I looked down the row of tables and saw one of my classmates eating her lunch peacefully, as though she had not witnessed what we just did. Not only was I upset that she was eating during this situation but I was furious that she was enjoying her meal. I confronted her, angry that she was not upset like the rest of us. I assumed that she did not care. My principal came over and pulled me aside, sternly addressing the situation. She taught me a valuable life lesson that morning which continues to influence how I deal with any tragedy. She simply explained to me that people deal with situations in different ways and that is okay. Just because my classmate was not visibly upset and fuming like I was did not mean that she was not upset or similarly affected.
Similarly, after Sandy, some people moved on with their lives, laughing, seemingly unperturbed by the calamity. Others are visibly upset and some are even crippled by it. That is all okay. No reaction, except lack of empathy, is more righteous than other.
4. Take care of yourself. Go for a run or work out, redesign your space, eat, draw, write, cry, pray, dance. Do something to release the emotional stress, pressure, and/or pain. Do things you love just for the sake of it whether or not you have the time.
5. Allow and help others to grief. This ties into #3. It is easy to feel helpless in such circumstances because the events are often distant situations for a majority of us. But there is something you can do! And that is being as empathetic to those you know as you are for the victims you may not know.
This is an example from when Sandy hit: one night, my sisters and I were cooking in the dark and talking about how much living in the dark was affecting every area of our lives. We then started shaking our heads and laughing at ourselves for complaining. We knew that things could have been worst for us; we didn't really have a reason to complain. At least our lives and home were still intact. But I tried to explain to a friend how things were going and how depressed I actually felt and was quickly met with, "get to a better place, life is good, stop complaining", etc. This coupled with the statuses I saw on facebook telling people not to complain and to feel grateful led me to the conclusion that people are either uncomfortable or intolerant of people being open about their personal struggles. While we are all blessed and privileged in unique ways, we experience things differently. An event which is inconsequential to you can be deeply traumatic for someone else. I favor faith and strength but I believe in attention, care, and love, especially for those you can have an impact on. Do not save your empathy for a stranger and be dismissive towards those you know.
6. Lastly, listen to music. During times like these, I listen to Neo Soul - especially Musiq Soulchild, D'Angelo, John Legend, or Corinne Bailey Ray. I also listen to a lot of Indie music. I don't necessarily have to think through this type of music as I would my other choices. And I feel incredibly renewed, loved, and at peace after relaxing to this music. I leave you with two songs I have on repeat right now. Be healed.
It is hard to write this post because I feel so many things and have so many thoughts at this moment. I just hope that this makes sense.
There is a lot of talk today about what ought to be important in the national political agenda. From gun control and metal illness to journalism or media discretion and discrimination, a host of concerns already in play in the public discourse resurfaced with pressing importance and vengeance. However, although valuable, I am not concerned about that dialogue. Today, I am just trying to keep my mind high and my heart leveled. Although those of us on the outside will never experience the pain and trauma experienced by those personally and physically affected by this tragedy and countless others in our nation and the world in general, we are all inevitably scarred and affected in big and small ways by them. How do these events affect our psyche and how do we heal?
As someone who feels and thinks deeply, it is easy to get lost in pain. I was once told that I have the face of a person who worries and that is true. I honestly feel most things to my core, irrespective of how distant they are. Since I came to this realization, I have been taking some efforts to develop even stronger coping mechanisms.
What I am attempting to do in this post is chronicle how I deal with tragedy, for my own sake. I need something concrete to refer to in times like these. I am also sharing this for maybe someone like myself who is in need of this reminder. Given the kind of work that I want to do and the types of things I think and write about, I believe that it is important to have honest, deliberate conversations about how to live in this world and keep oneself personally sane and emotionally healthy. This list, not in any particular order, is a start:
1. Keep things in perspective. It is always the best and worst of times.
2. Be with people you love (or at least check-in with them).
3. If you can not allow yourself to be happy, allow others to be happy or feel whatever they want feel.
Let me explain: I believe that context affects how people experience a common tragedy. It is hard to measure pain and one can not compare loss because it is experienced in the context of who a person is. Thus, people react to common tragedies in not so common ways and that is okay.
I remember this particular incident like it occurred yesterday: I was in middle school and a couple of my classmates got jumped on the school block. They came into the school, in a church, bleeding. It was clearly a disturbing incident. A couple of us were crying and distraught. I was sad and confused. I remember siting in the lunch/gym basement talking to my close friends about the incident. I looked down the row of tables and saw one of my classmates eating her lunch peacefully, as though she had not witnessed what we just did. Not only was I upset that she was eating during this situation but I was furious that she was enjoying her meal. I confronted her, angry that she was not upset like the rest of us. I assumed that she did not care. My principal came over and pulled me aside, sternly addressing the situation. She taught me a valuable life lesson that morning which continues to influence how I deal with any tragedy. She simply explained to me that people deal with situations in different ways and that is okay. Just because my classmate was not visibly upset and fuming like I was did not mean that she was not upset or similarly affected.
Similarly, after Sandy, some people moved on with their lives, laughing, seemingly unperturbed by the calamity. Others are visibly upset and some are even crippled by it. That is all okay. No reaction, except lack of empathy, is more righteous than other.
5. Allow and help others to grief. This ties into #3. It is easy to feel helpless in such circumstances because the events are often distant situations for a majority of us. But there is something you can do! And that is being as empathetic to those you know as you are for the victims you may not know.
This is an example from when Sandy hit: one night, my sisters and I were cooking in the dark and talking about how much living in the dark was affecting every area of our lives. We then started shaking our heads and laughing at ourselves for complaining. We knew that things could have been worst for us; we didn't really have a reason to complain. At least our lives and home were still intact. But I tried to explain to a friend how things were going and how depressed I actually felt and was quickly met with, "get to a better place, life is good, stop complaining", etc. This coupled with the statuses I saw on facebook telling people not to complain and to feel grateful led me to the conclusion that people are either uncomfortable or intolerant of people being open about their personal struggles. While we are all blessed and privileged in unique ways, we experience things differently. An event which is inconsequential to you can be deeply traumatic for someone else. I favor faith and strength but I believe in attention, care, and love, especially for those you can have an impact on. Do not save your empathy for a stranger and be dismissive towards those you know.
6. Lastly, listen to music. During times like these, I listen to Neo Soul - especially Musiq Soulchild, D'Angelo, John Legend, or Corinne Bailey Ray. I also listen to a lot of Indie music. I don't necessarily have to think through this type of music as I would my other choices. And I feel incredibly renewed, loved, and at peace after relaxing to this music. I leave you with two songs I have on repeat right now. Be healed.
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