When they come softly: What is love for Millennials? (Pt.1)
For a generation* so enthralled with the idea of (intimate) love, are we completely lost or conflicted on what it means? Please share your opinions. I want to see where others stand on this question.
By now, almost anyone who follows mass media/popular culture has read or at least heard of Chris Brown's self-penned article No More Apologies in the hip hop magazine XXL. In it, Brown reveals that "love is something he is still learning". "It's just an obstacle I have not mastered yet", he says. Love is Brown's Achilles heel.
Firstly, it is hard and almost impossible to talk about Chris Brown without reference to the domestic violence incident which occurred between him and Rihanna in 2009 (and his recent twitter feud with comedian Jenny Johnson). In fact, that incident substantiates my argument that a good deal of us, millennials, do not know what love is or what it means. But this post is not about domestic violence (this is a good read on domestic violence, if you are interested).
Secondly, although it may be inferred from my question, I am not suggesting at all that because some millennails may have conflicting views on love, they are any less intelligent, moral, or even loving than any other generation. My sole impetus here is to push back on the blog posts and in person critiques I've read and heard about Chris Brown's disclosure and to propose a more holistic conversation. And part of that means exploring the intergenerational conversation on love.
To start, Chris Brown's revelation has been met with contempt, mockery, and sarcasm. After reading these posts and the ensuing comments, I am often flabbergasted. I simply wonder whose experiences and voice are behind those posts and comments. The writers often sound cold, and distant. Their analyses are planets away from my experiences and those that I know.
I wonder if they are a part of my generation, specifically, the part of my generation who grew up like I did. The segment who have seen, felt, lived, or embodied domestic violence first hand; whose narratives and experiences in relationships are as complicated and messy; who have fathers, brothers, lovers, or are themselves in or implicated in intimate violence. Because if they had been through or deeply known of these experiences, they would not be so self-righteous.
Truthfully, while I understand that Chris Brown's narrative is forever tainted by his erratic behavior during and post the assault, I believe that the more fruitful conversation to have is one where we step away from the narrow lens of one person's life and look at the collective of what the narrative says about the consciousness of a generation [the segment who grew up like me]. More importantly, the questions should be how did we get here and how can we have meaningful conversations so as to not perpetuate these behaviors or engender such beliefs in the next generation.
Chris Brown aside, I think we need to look at how our families play a role in influencing or creating this paradoxical narrative of what love looks like. Moreover, how have our environments produced individuals simply incapable of loving or being loved - intimately or otherwise. If you grow up in a community where being warm and loving is shunned, how can you develop a deep appreciation or understanding of love to emulate it in your private life. If you live in a period of persistent conflict, whether violent or not, where can you situate a meaningful, peaceful relationship (if it it constantly wrestling with incoherence in the outside world).
Moreover, we need to look at our schools. How do we create narratives of love (and lust and sex) in schools. Would it be radical to argue that more than education, love can be the great equalizer. What if we had at least one critical course on love and relationships in schools as the topic often intersects with classroom lessons and in and outside of classroom interactions but is never explicitly discussed. Some of the most knowledgeable people I know make the worst decisions when it comes to relationships and love. Why this dissonance?
We also have mass media/ popular culture which has created an honest though paradoxical, intoxicating and at times repugnant narrative of what love is. Imagine a generation, specifically those most lured by rap/hip hop, who grew up in the prime of Ja Rule and Ashanti, Eminem, Beyonce, Chris Brown, Trey Songz, Ne-yo, and later Lil Jon, T-Pain, Ying Yang Twins, 50 cents, then Kanye, Drake, etc. How can you not be confused and ambivalent about what love is? The Flavor of Love, Laguna Beach, One Tree Hill...
I am not of the perspective that Chris Brown is without fault or that any one of us is without agency. I am in no way suggesting that we condone Chris Brown's behavior. I am not even concerned about that in this post; it ain't Nobody's Bineh as his girlfriend sings. I am only concerned here with his vulnerable, perceptive, if honest, admission that he does not know what love is and the overly simplistic and negative reception he has received. I am simply suggesting that this narrative is not unique to Chris Brown (and is maybe a struggle for a significant number of us). I am arguing that we need to look at various influences in our intimate affairs so as to truly discuss what is wrong and what to do to resolve the issues so that we can move forward.
I will leave you with two rap songs I believe reflect some of my/our struggles with love. I am using rap because I believe the stories in rap illuminate and reveal our realities and fantasies (and complexities) as much as they promulgate those realities and fantasies, however fatal.
The first is Kendrick Lamar's song Opposites Attract which illustrates the majority of the relationships I've seen/known and continue to see/know among my age group. The spoken word piece at the end is especially poignant: "she says she loves me but I don't know about love".
The second is a 6th Sense by Common (from 4:20) which I gives voice to a fear I (and maybe you) have; that instead of having the hard conversations about love and relationships, we will create a generation of false love prophets, male and females who proclaim in public and in their work that they know what love is when their actions say the contrary. I would rather a difficult yet honest and complex narrative which reflects our learning process than that (see Lauryn Hill When It Hurts So Bad or Ex Factor for examples of this).
What are your thoughts? I know that Chris Brown is not the only one. I just want more nuance and complexity in these conversations whatever perspectives they may take. Maybe you want to write Pt. 2.
* Generation: 25 years and younger in my analysis but on who is a millennial, read this: http://whatis.techtarget.com/definition/millennials-millennial-generation
By now, almost anyone who follows mass media/popular culture has read or at least heard of Chris Brown's self-penned article No More Apologies in the hip hop magazine XXL. In it, Brown reveals that "love is something he is still learning". "It's just an obstacle I have not mastered yet", he says. Love is Brown's Achilles heel.
Firstly, it is hard and almost impossible to talk about Chris Brown without reference to the domestic violence incident which occurred between him and Rihanna in 2009 (and his recent twitter feud with comedian Jenny Johnson). In fact, that incident substantiates my argument that a good deal of us, millennials, do not know what love is or what it means. But this post is not about domestic violence (this is a good read on domestic violence, if you are interested).
Secondly, although it may be inferred from my question, I am not suggesting at all that because some millennails may have conflicting views on love, they are any less intelligent, moral, or even loving than any other generation. My sole impetus here is to push back on the blog posts and in person critiques I've read and heard about Chris Brown's disclosure and to propose a more holistic conversation. And part of that means exploring the intergenerational conversation on love.
To start, Chris Brown's revelation has been met with contempt, mockery, and sarcasm. After reading these posts and the ensuing comments, I am often flabbergasted. I simply wonder whose experiences and voice are behind those posts and comments. The writers often sound cold, and distant. Their analyses are planets away from my experiences and those that I know.
I wonder if they are a part of my generation, specifically, the part of my generation who grew up like I did. The segment who have seen, felt, lived, or embodied domestic violence first hand; whose narratives and experiences in relationships are as complicated and messy; who have fathers, brothers, lovers, or are themselves in or implicated in intimate violence. Because if they had been through or deeply known of these experiences, they would not be so self-righteous.
Truthfully, while I understand that Chris Brown's narrative is forever tainted by his erratic behavior during and post the assault, I believe that the more fruitful conversation to have is one where we step away from the narrow lens of one person's life and look at the collective of what the narrative says about the consciousness of a generation [the segment who grew up like me]. More importantly, the questions should be how did we get here and how can we have meaningful conversations so as to not perpetuate these behaviors or engender such beliefs in the next generation.
Chris Brown aside, I think we need to look at how our families play a role in influencing or creating this paradoxical narrative of what love looks like. Moreover, how have our environments produced individuals simply incapable of loving or being loved - intimately or otherwise. If you grow up in a community where being warm and loving is shunned, how can you develop a deep appreciation or understanding of love to emulate it in your private life. If you live in a period of persistent conflict, whether violent or not, where can you situate a meaningful, peaceful relationship (if it it constantly wrestling with incoherence in the outside world).
Moreover, we need to look at our schools. How do we create narratives of love (and lust and sex) in schools. Would it be radical to argue that more than education, love can be the great equalizer. What if we had at least one critical course on love and relationships in schools as the topic often intersects with classroom lessons and in and outside of classroom interactions but is never explicitly discussed. Some of the most knowledgeable people I know make the worst decisions when it comes to relationships and love. Why this dissonance?
We also have mass media/ popular culture which has created an honest though paradoxical, intoxicating and at times repugnant narrative of what love is. Imagine a generation, specifically those most lured by rap/hip hop, who grew up in the prime of Ja Rule and Ashanti, Eminem, Beyonce, Chris Brown, Trey Songz, Ne-yo, and later Lil Jon, T-Pain, Ying Yang Twins, 50 cents, then Kanye, Drake, etc. How can you not be confused and ambivalent about what love is? The Flavor of Love, Laguna Beach, One Tree Hill...
I am not of the perspective that Chris Brown is without fault or that any one of us is without agency. I am in no way suggesting that we condone Chris Brown's behavior. I am not even concerned about that in this post; it ain't Nobody's Bineh as his girlfriend sings. I am only concerned here with his vulnerable, perceptive, if honest, admission that he does not know what love is and the overly simplistic and negative reception he has received. I am simply suggesting that this narrative is not unique to Chris Brown (and is maybe a struggle for a significant number of us). I am arguing that we need to look at various influences in our intimate affairs so as to truly discuss what is wrong and what to do to resolve the issues so that we can move forward.
I will leave you with two rap songs I believe reflect some of my/our struggles with love. I am using rap because I believe the stories in rap illuminate and reveal our realities and fantasies (and complexities) as much as they promulgate those realities and fantasies, however fatal.
The first is Kendrick Lamar's song Opposites Attract which illustrates the majority of the relationships I've seen/known and continue to see/know among my age group. The spoken word piece at the end is especially poignant: "she says she loves me but I don't know about love".
The second is a 6th Sense by Common (from 4:20) which I gives voice to a fear I (and maybe you) have; that instead of having the hard conversations about love and relationships, we will create a generation of false love prophets, male and females who proclaim in public and in their work that they know what love is when their actions say the contrary. I would rather a difficult yet honest and complex narrative which reflects our learning process than that (see Lauryn Hill When It Hurts So Bad or Ex Factor for examples of this).
What are your thoughts? I know that Chris Brown is not the only one. I just want more nuance and complexity in these conversations whatever perspectives they may take. Maybe you want to write Pt. 2.
* Generation: 25 years and younger in my analysis but on who is a millennial, read this: http://whatis.techtarget.com/definition/millennials-millennial-generation
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